Is anyone else as sick as I am of a life filled with facile, paper-thin faux relationships that don’t amount to anything other than time wasted before the next set of facile, paper-thin faux relationships?  Is anyone else as I sick as I am of the way society ignores or outright condemns any expression of passion or dedication or determination that doesn’t result in cash profit?  Does anyone else miss the feeling of blood rushing through their veins and their brains swimming in endorphins as life starts all over again, brand new, in spite of a world that’s attempting to drag everyone down to the level of boredom and a safe routine?  Every day I feel like it’s just me.  I want to say something but I don’t know who I’m talking to.  I want to argue the premise of a life ground down by the monotony of prefabricated social roles and an obsession with fleeting dollars, I want to argue against a scripted life.  But the consensus can’t imagine it or wouldn’t say it and I go about my business, wondering if I’m alone or crazy for envisioning such things.

(Source: misterpeace.com)


In the face of loss, you endure.  In the face of dysfunction, you endure.  In the face of death, you endure.  In the face of tragedy, you endure.  You endure beyond years and miles and oblivion.  You endure beyond the weak shell of a body you nest in for three score and ten (or less).  You endure and endure.  You are the human spirit itself, you are made of the composite love and beauty of the universe and you are macrocosms stronger than you know you are.  In spite of everything else, you will keep going.  Nothing can end you.

(Source: misterpeace.com)


You matter.  You are the entirely unique cohesion of your elements, a signature reticulation specific and unrepeatable.  There will never be another person like you.  More importantly, you are a swelling ocean of bright potential; you are pregnant with a latent universe of love and hope and you’re the only one who possesses it, the only one who can birth it into our scummy, tragic little material existence.  You matter because there’s a corner of the world that needs you every day whether you know it or not.  We inhabit a grubby, dark, hateful plane and every day we ask silently, with tired eyes and broken backs, for light.  You matter because you enlighten and edify and we love you for it.  You matter because you have more work to do and we are counting on you.

(Source: misterpeace.com)


Wanting to fit in was always a bit of a waste.  Even now, I recognize that it would make things easier and more smooth, to conform effortlessly to society’s ideals and preconceived notions and part of me really wants the lack of friction and social approval.  But I’ve learned that the pain of strangeness is the price I pay to be myself.  Self-ownership is a very real and pure satisfaction, never free and always accompanied with the difficulty of feeling different or even ostracized but you might as well hold on to whatever it is that makes you unique.  I suspect that ultimate goal of achieving perfect, categorical structure in life is a bit of a canard.  Average is boring, after all, and I’ve never felt impassioned by normal people.  Why would anyone when so many people are just set to “5” all the time?  Why should that be something to look forward to?  No one is both extraordinary and ordinary and I always feel like whichever parts of myself I acquiesce to get along or be well liked or pay the rent or make my boss or family happy or fake a good mood are parts of myself I can’t have back and that’s the truer, better me running a deficit.  Is that the cost of “success”, of fitting in and being a pillar of society?  To build an insurmountable wall of safe and inoffensive artificiality between myself and what I want to become?  A wall that can be breached by truth and honesty and acceptance of my own freak status?  That’s too high a price and I’d rather be an outcast.

(Source: misterpeace.com)


tongue in cheek

Been stabbed in the back
More times than I care to know
Human pin cushion

(Source: misterpeace.com)


The thing I wish I could communicate about depression is that you don’t wish for it and you can’t wish it away.  People who are not themselves prone to depression think it’s kind of like being in a bad mood and they’ll say well-intentioned things like “Hey, cheer up!” or “You should watch a funny movie!” that are appreciated but missing the point.  Depression is more like a chronic medical condition where you have to cope with it on a day-to-day basis without one absolute cure.  Some days are better than others and there are some really low points and one of the things that makes it much worse is feeling misunderstood.  Being on a different wavelength than most people is a big part of the problem so talking to someone who’s depressed without any empathy or emotional reciprocity is painful.  At the same time, it’s hard to explain this to people without looking like an ingrate for well-meaning and intentionally helpful words when you really are thankful.  I’m sorry.  I just like to be able to see eye-to-eye with people and when I’m at my lowest, I need that harmony.  You can’t will depression away and you can’t summon positivity but feeling needed and loved and understood are the best things for it.

(Source: misterpeace.com)


you are more beautiful than words can sufficiently describe…. you mean more to me than i’ll allow myself to articulate…. not having you in my arms in any given moment is my life’s biggest regret and i live with it constantly… when i’m sad, that’s why

(Source: misterpeace.com)


I am made tired
With eyelids growing heavy
By talking and talking
And never hearing back

My heart longs for the kind of trust
That contentedly sighs “Alright”
When I whisper “It’s fine, angel love”
“Everything will be fine”

(Source: misterpeace.com)


In the movements of your pen-stroke, I feel a beautiful, feminine fluidity.  Your lines are kinetic and convey a lovely motion, like waves lapping at a moonstruck beach.  You defy stagnancy.  Your art vibrates and breathes and lives.  It is wholly organic, as if a flower plucked out of the soil or a network of dividing tree roots, drinking earth and water as it grows.  Intricate patterns and shapes dance across skin in tattoo, as if the body itself were infected with natural beauty and sunlight kissed each sinewy line and turned ink into life itself.  Her hair, her crown of female sexuality, cascades like unchained sun-fire from her living mind.  Her hair is chaotic, wild, unrepentant and magnificent.  And she is thinking.  Eyes downward, inward, she is dwelling upon the question of her own existence and her indescribable forever-beauty is that she is a being of the mind, created by a mind and of a mind, always thinking and feeling and sensing.  She is a drawing but she is you and, like you, she is her mother’s, the universe’s, purest creation.

(Source: misterpeace.com)


I feel as if I had lived this before.   Not in recent memory but in the recesses of my mind and my heart, in the ancient corridors where life bloomed before I was ever born, as old as time itself, I feel a lingering sensation that tells me that none of this is new.  My conscious mind knows only obvious things, tangible things, but my forever-mind reaches back through eons and touches its smoky tendrils into something that gleams and vanishes like a bolt of lightning.  The epiphany that I have known you now and always, that my life is being lived again and that I will know you forever.  I loved you then and I love you always and time is an upside-down, inside-out forever-loop where love is a constant that has made us immortal.  Fear has attempted to keep us shackled to our smaller selves, our petty selves, our trifling selves but we have cast off our trammels.  Death is a veneer that cloaks the truth of our reality:  our awareness, our passion, our heartbeat as loud as cannon-fire, extends into the depth of the universe and we can grace the edges of eternity with the poetry of our kisses as we did so many years ago.

(Source: misterpeace.com)


I dreamt I went to an irreligious atheist palm reader.  Now that I think about it, I’m not sure how she wound up doing that but that’s a dream for you.  I gave her my palm and she looked at it and said, “This is a big ol’ crease and here’s a vein and I think you need some lotion,” and then she charged me.

(This is not a Steven Wright joke.  Real dream.)

(Source: misterpeace.com)


Writing exercise:  Sensory observations

I hear the clacking of my keyboard, the final guitar chords of a punk rock song ending and droning, a neighbor’s small dog barking like the shrill squeaks of a rubber ducky being squeezed but at twenty times the volume.

I feel the familiar and comforting sensation of keys underneath my fingers, the heaviness of my eyelids drawing themselves closed and asking me to sleep.

I taste the last sip of my nightcap, my throat tingling slightly.

I smell the final drops of Cutty Sark inside a tumbler glass.

(Source: misterpeace.com)


Animal noises spat through clenched teeth
Hot, acidic ocean of colors and sounds
Wailing and shrieking and piercing into hearts
Words casting bright, white light
And anger and heartache and directionless passion
Take on new dimensions, new vitality
More tangible and audible and true than ever
Spending frustration, numbing jangled nerves
Heightening a sense of togetherness
And personal understanding
A small, three-minute corner of the world
I am drunk on a lovely, simple little universal truth

(Source: misterpeace.com)


In the deepest, darkest hours of the night, my thoughts alight on your contours, on the color and texture of your skin.  I lose myself in the shape of your shoulder, the nape of your neck.  I want my kiss to land softly on your cheek, to brush against your downy hair, to trace over your cheekbone as you flush with the glowing warmth of shyness giving way to urge.  I want to kiss you deeply, to the core of your being.  I want to kiss you my gratitude, my thanks, at having been granted entrance, as I push into your softness, your secrecy.  I want to tell you with my caress, with my pressure, that you are my paradise and I would never ask for a heaven other than the tender rapture I find in you.  I want to feel the undulations of your back, feline and limber, and I want to sate you with the fullness of my passion until you feel the glimmer at the base of your spine grow and grow.  And I want to look into your eyes, into forever, and to see your precious hidden things and for you to see mine and I will tell you with my eyes that I adore you for everything you are, just as you are.  No fantasy, nothing imagined or conceived of, no god or myth, could match the nirvana of your body, your mind and your heart, your empyrean fire and your endlessly beautiful eyes.

(Source: misterpeace.com)


The old Chrysler rolled down the interstate and tiny flecks of snow began to fall.  Christ, he thought, snow.  Snow is all I need.  He was in a hurry and anything that could impede him or slow him down was just piling more anxiety on top of his already heavy burden.  He drove alone, the passenger seat empty except for a suitcase.  THE suitcase.  He had no idea what was in it, except that it was something vitally important and when Ortega said something was important, it was.  He was used to the secrecy, the not knowing.  He was a delivery man and all he was paid to do was make the drop.  The roads became slick and he gripped the wheel with both hands as he tried to keep control of the car.  The aged, bald tires weren’t doing him any favors as he could feel himself losing traction and sliding into and out of curves.  He kept thinking he heard sirens or saw blinking lights and that some bored state trooper with nothing better to do than bother him with a speeding ticket would run his name and his warrants would come up.  His heart raced, from the anxiety and the drugs and the fact that it was getting later and later and his connection in the city was expecting him at point X and he had no excuse for being late.

His mind drifted back to the last time he saw Ortega, the night Ortega killed Harding, a man once trusted who had learned too much and had to be eliminated.  Only those who were very close knew about it and he was one of them.  After the incident, Ortega pulled him aside and said “Eddie, I don’t think it needs to be stated that you have to keep quiet.  If a word of this slips out, things will become very bad for all of us.  For you, Eddie.”  And that was all that was said.  Since then, he had drifted a bit.  The old crew had fallen apart and he only ran jobs for Ortega once in a blue moon.  The snow was coming down more heavily now and Eddie was coming down himself.  He broke into a nauseous sweat and he wished he hadn’t trusted his new dealer without checking him out first.  Something with fiery red eyes and a serpent’s tongue that slithered and slunk crawled up into his brain just then.  It was a notion.  It sunk its venomous fangs into his feeble brain and filled him with poison.  What if Ortega was tying up loose ends?  What if the contents of the suitcase, almost definitely cash, was an arrangement for his own hit?  He sweated and swore as he passed a sedan that was stranded by the side of the road, abandoned in the coming storm.

That doesn’t make any sense, though.  Why not just send someone else?  Who knows, he argued back.  There’s no figuring these things out.  Maybe you being set up is just part of it and he needed his guy in the city specifically for something else.  He felt his hands swelling and the steering wheel felt alien and strange in his grip now.  All he knew was that he had to pull over to the side of the road and open that suitcase.  The snow was coming down so heavily now that to stop might mean an emergency situation.  He didn’t care.  His heart was racing and he could feel his brain fill with blood and dread and the heat of some sort of impending doom.  His fingers grasped at the locked clasps of the suitcase and he tugged vainly and without worry.  His fingertips shredded slightly and he bled.  Dammit, he’d have to find something to use.  He had no tools.  The Chrysler wasn’t his and he started looking around for something that could be used to tear the suitcase open.  Anything.  He had nothing but his thirty-eight, which he began bashing against the lock, using the pistol’s stock as a hammer.  It didn’t work and, in a moment of lucidity, he laughed at his own stupidity.  He swore and screamed until his throat was raw and pointed the barrel of his gun at the lock before squeezing the trigger.  The bullet shattered the suitcase open and lodged in the car’s seat.  Fuck it, he thought.  He tore the case open and found it contained a manila envelope stuffed with wads of bills.  No note, no instructions, no markings on the envelope.  After meticulously counting, it came to seventy-five K.  What was going on?  What was this money for?

Strange scenes screamed into his mind.  He heard a description of his own appearance being recited out loud and realized it was Ortega, on the phone with someone, planning a hit.  He heard laughing at the irony of a man delivering his own death warrant.  He saw a conversation between Ortega and his lieutenant, recalling the men who knew about Harding and deciding what best to do with each of them.  Eddie felt like he was going to pass out but he had to keep going.  He figured that if he kept driving all night, he could put enough miles between him and the city that he could take the money and escape.  It would be a death sentence on his head but he had already convinced himself that he was going to die anyway.  He started the ignition and shifted into drive but the car only spun its wheels, now stuck behind several inches of snow.  He didn’t have a shovel to get out and dig, he was just going to have to floor it and hope for the best.  He slammed the accelerator against the floor and the smell of burning tires crept into the cab.  The steering wheel was slick with sweat, as he gripped it with both hands.  He can’t die like this.  He needed to get the money and run.

He attempted to close the damaged suitcase but couldn’t quite so he started stuffing bills into the pockets of his suit jacket.  He laughed again, a sick laugh that surprised him with its loudness. 

=============

Walter was attempting to get home before the storm got any worse, it was hard enough to drive as it was.  He was surprised to see, as he barreled down the last mile before he started seeing city exits, a man apparently hitchhiking down the road, with loose money occasionally spilling out of his pockets.

(Source: misterpeace.com)